A ShiroChan for Sakaki
by WallofIllusion
Summary: It's a relatively normal day for the Azumanga Daioh girls, when suddenly... Tomo has an idea! oh dear They will find something cute for Sakaki! rated for a comment by Kimura.


Welcome to HUMOR! Gasp! Bet you didn't know WallofIllusion wrote humor… but then, neither did she.

So, this was written for a Fanfic Alliance contest on I hope I win, but I probably won't.

Glossary:

"Baka"—Do you really need this one explained? It's "idiot" or "moron."

"Ano"—It's like "um".

Tomo's last sentence is meant to be "Look and be amazed."

"Abunaku"—dangerously

"Chiizi"—Japanese pronunciation of "Cheesy"

"Shiro"—white

"Warui"—kind of like "my bad"

"Yaa"—a masculine greeting, kind of like "yo"

"Daijoubu desu ka?"—Are you okay?

**A Shiro-chan for Sakaki**

_The Girl With a Surprise_

"DING-DONG! DING-DONG!"

"Tomo, shut up."

"DING-DONG!"

"You already pushed the doorbell. You don't have to make the noise yourself."

Osaka looked up at the sky thoughtfully. "Yeah, but what if the doorbell's broken, Yomi?" she suggested. "Then we'd just stand here forever until we all grew long white beards."

Yomi rolled her eyes. "Who'd be that dumb?"

"DING-D—"

"Oh, you're all here!" exclaimed Chiyo's voice from the surveillance video. "Please come in! Welcome!" The green gate in front of them opened.

The entire group—Tomo, Yomi, Osaka, and Sakaki—trailed across Chiyo's very large lawn. That is, Yomi and Osaka trailed in, Sakaki saw Tadakichi-san and drifted away from the group, and Tomo marched in, swinging a plastic bag and still shouting, "DING-DONG! DING-DONG!"

"Shut up," Yomi instructed through gritted teeth.

"What? The bells are ringing to announce the arrival of the girl with a surprise!" Tomo defended herself cheerfully, holding up the bag.

"What surprise?" Yomi asked, curious despite herself.

"Oh, a very special one," Tomo said with a sly glance. "But I don't know if you get to have any."

Osaka smiled. "Maybe it's a doily."

"What!" Tomo and Yomi said together.

"Ya know, those very fancy paper napkins they put out at parties and weddings and stuff. With all the holes in 'em."

"You're completely wrong!" Tomo grinned and whapped Osaka on the head.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"Why would I have doilies?" shouted Tomo.

"To surprise us."

"Baka, baka!" Tomo whapped her again.

"You're the baka," said Yomi.

_Deingorohsuri Chizzy_

Once Tomo had stopped whapping Osaka and the three had reclaimed Sakaki from Tadakichi-san, the entire group entered Chiyo's house.

"Thank you for coming!" cried the red-haired eleven-year-old. "Let's go up to my room."

"Yeah, and then Tomo-chan can show us her surprise doilies," Osaka said.

"I told you, my surprise isn't a doily!" Tomo said. "It's much more exciting than that."

"Oh, what is it?" Chiyo asked.

"Well…" Tomo's voice shrunk to a mysterious whisper. "It's orange—"

Everyone nodded.

"It's shaped like worms—"

Everyone shuddered.

"And it's DEINGOROHSURI CHIZZY!"

Everyone jumped backwards.

"Deingorohsuri chizzy!" they shouted. There was a pause.

A rather flustered Chiyo stuttered, "Ano, ano, let's go up to my room and find out what this deingorohsuri chizzy is!"

So they followed Chiyo to her room. Once everyone had gotten settled, Tomo held up her plastic bag. "I am Tomo-chan," she said, speaking in English for some reason. "I am bring of great surprise. It is exciting surprise. Rook and be amaze!"

With a grand flourish, she pulled something out of the bag. In Japanese, she said, "Behold! The wonder which my dad brought all the way from America—CHEETOS!"

There was a moment of silence as everyone dutifully beheld the bag of Cheetos. After she let them admire its orange glory, Tomo brought it down to her chest and tried to open it.

And tried.

And tried.

"Grrrrrrnnnnnrrnphrrrrghhrrrrrrr…!"

"Give me that." Yomi said impatiently. She was about to take it, but—

"Noooooooooo! Yooooomiiiiiiiiiii!" Osaka shouted, plucking the bag from Yomi's hands. "Don't do it!"

"Why not!"

Osaka pointed fearfully to an English word on the bag. "I just remembered what that means!"

"Oh, 'dangerously'?" Chiyo asked. "It means 'abunaku.'"

"ABUNAKU CHIZZY!" declared Tomo.

There was silence.

"ABUNAKU CHIZZY!" she said again.

"Oh, you mean 'abunaku chiizi,'" Chiyo said. "'Dangerously cheesy' is what it says."

"If it's so dangerous, we can't open it!" Osaka exclaimed. "There might be a bomb inside! And when we opened it, all the dangerously cheesy would come out and blow up in our face and make everything orange!"

"That's okay for Chiyo-chan!" Tomo pointed out. "Then her face would match her hair. She'd be the Freaky All-Orange Girl!"

Sakaki, after imagining such a scene, spoke up for the first time. "That's bad!"

_Worms_

They opened the bag.

"I've never eaten orange, deingorosuri chizzy worms before," Osaka commented. "I didn't expect they'd be this good."

Sakaki stared uncertainly into the bag when it was offered to her. "W… worms…?"

"Yup," Osaka replied. "They're not slimy like worms are normally though. I guess they're dried worms."

Sakaki's face took on a slightly green hue. "No thank you," she said, her voice strained.

"Ano, Sakaki-san," Chiyo piped up worriedly, "they're not really worms. They're just like chips with cheese on them. Please have some." To prove the safety of the snack, Chiyo took a few and stuck them in her mouth. After chewing and swallowing, she said, "See? They're quite safe, Sakaki-san."

Sakaki imagined what it would look like if Chiyo had eaten earthworms. The thought of the creatures wiggling around in the eleven-year-old's mouth was enough to make Sakaki gag. "N-no thank you."

"Aw, Sakaki, you're such a spoilsport!" Tomo exclaimed. She took a huge handful and stuck them in her mouth. "You too, Miss Diet," she added, slightly damp bits of Cheeto spraying out of her mouth.

Yomi's glasses fogged up. "Shut up!" she hissed.

_Shiro-chan_

After a few minutes, Tomo looked at her orange-stained hands in dismay. "Oi, Chiyo-chan, got any napkins?"

"Oh! Yes! Let me go get some!" Then the prodigy paused. "That reminds me—while I'm down there, I have to feed Shiro-chan."

"Who's Shiro-chan?" asked Sakaki at once.

"Why don't you all come down and meet him?" Chiyo invited. "I'm sure Shiro-chan would love to meet you all!"

They followed Chiyo down to her kitchen and found that a rabbit hutch had been set up in one corner. It was to this hutch that Chiyo went first.

"Hi, Shiro-chan," she said cheerfully.

Everyone crowded around and peered into the cage. Sakaki's face went deep red and she covered her mouth to block a squeal.

Shiro-chan was a rabbit of pure white. It looked around with its clever pink eyes, blinking at the visitors.

"Shiro-chan, these people are Tomo-chan, Yomi-san, Osaka-san, and Sakaki-san," Chiyo explained to the rabbit. "I hope you can be their friend!"

Sakaki stared. "M-m-m-may I p-p-pet it?" she asked tremblingly.

"Yes, please do!" Chiyo encouraged. She opened the top door of the hutch.

Sakaki raised her hand and got ready. "…Does he bite?"

"No."

A pause. "…Are you sure?"

"Yep! He's quite safe to pet!"

Sakaki slowly moved her shaking hand towards the door of the hutch. Just as she was about to put her hand in, Tomo stuck her hand into the cage and started rubbing Shiro-chan vigorously.

"Yo, Shiro-chan! Nice to meet you! I'm Tomo!"

Sakaki sighed in disappointment and Tomo looked over at her. "Oh, warui! Did you want to pet him? Here!" She put her hands around the rabbit, lifted him out, and put him on the kitchen floor.

Sakaki bent down to pet it, but then froze. Her eyes widened and began to appear on her face. What had been a pure white rabbit was now a white rabbit with orange stripes.

"Oh! Warui!" Tomo cried again.

_Carnivorous_

So they washed the Cheeto streaks off of Shiro-chan, and Sakaki held him in her lap. Blushing slightly, she petted him.

"When did you get him?" Yomi asked Chiyo.

"Oh, I'm taking care of him for my cousin while she's visiting France," Chiyo explained.

_Your cousin is very lucky_, Sakaki thought, smiling. _What a cute rabbit…_

"I'm not surprised Shiro-chan likes Sakaki-san so much," commented Chiyo, smiling at Sakaki. "Sakaki-san looks exactly like my cousin."

"Or maybe," said Osaka, lowering her voice dramatically, "Shiro-chan is actually one of the dreaded carnivorous rabbits, secretly plotting to eat us all, and he's going to eat Sakaki first because she's the biggest."

"There are no carnivorous rabbits!" Yomi exclaimed.

"Once Sakaki's out of the way, there'll be no one to stop him. Then he'll eat you, Chiyo, because you haven't been feeding him what he wants—human flesh!" Osaka continued.

"Eeeeh!" Chiyo cried. "I—I…"

"Then he'll eat Tomo for giving him orange stripes. Then Yomi because she said carnivorous rabbits don't exist. And then… when I'm the only one left…"

"He'll swallow you in one gulp!" Tomo finished. "The best kind of ending! Everyone gets eaten!"

Osaka nodded vigorously. "I'll put up a brave fight, but eventually he'll be too much for me. He'll eat me in one bite!"

Slightly worried by Osaka's story, Sakaki had stopped petting Shiro-chan for the moment. But this annoyed Shiro-chan, so he did what most small, cute animals do when encountering Sakaki: bit her hand.

"Ah!" she cried in surprise, almost jumping out of her chair. There was a slight pause, and then every eye turned towards Osaka.

"So it begins…" she said in a whisper.

_The Mission_

"Oi, Sakaki," said Tomo a few minutes later. "You like cute things like Shiro-chan, right?"

Sakaki smiled, blushed, and nodded.

"You should kidnap him and keep him!"

"What—!" cried everyone in shock.

"P-p-please don't kidnap Shiro-chan!" Chiyo begged. "I have to give him back to my cousin!"

"_Never_ take Tomo seriously," Yomi advised Sakaki.

"He'll eat you!" Osaka added. "Don't do it, Sakaki!"

Yomi sighed. "Don't take Osaka seriously, either."

Sakaki looked down at the fluffy white rabbit on her lap. She continued petting it.

"What? Was my idea a bad one?" Tomo asked curiously.

"Yes!" everyone shouted at once.

"Oh." Disappointed, the tomboy thought for a moment. "But Sakaki has to have _something_ cute! We must not allow such an injustice to go on any longer!"

"Oh, but you see, I'm not allowed to have pets," Sakaki explained awkwardly. "My parents have terrible allergies, so…"

"So you need a stuffed animal! Anything!" Tomo punched her fist in the air. "That is our official mission for today! We will find something cute! And this mission is called—A SHIRO-CHAN FOR SAKAKI!"

Everyone else stared at her.

"We will go from store to store, searching for the perfect cute object to brighten Sakaki's life," Tomo planned. "And when we find it…" She thought for a second. "Ah! Chiyo-chan will buy it for her, since she has so much money!"

"What…!" Chiyo said nervously. "That's… that's…"

"Don't worry, you'll be able to afford it!" Tomo said, slapping the eleven-year old on the back. "Let's go!"

She marched out the door. The rest stared after her for a minute.

Then Yomi pointed out, "It's very dangerous to let her do that kind of thing by herself."

So Chiyo, Osaka, Yomi, and Sakaki joined the mission.

_Very Hungry_

When they caught up to Tomo, she was already half-way to the toy store. "Geez, what took you guys so long?" she asked.

Yomi gritted her teeth and didn't answer.

"Ano… what kind of cute thing are we going to get for Sakaki-san?" Chiyo questioned, still worried about the price.

"Whatever we find first!" Tomo exclaimed. "We're not going to worry about bargain-hunting—as soon as we find something suitable, we're going to buy it!"

Chiyo's face fell. "Ah."

They reached the toy store. Tomo, leading the way, headed for the stuffed animals, but Osaka stopped her.

"Wow, look at this," she said. "I haven't seen one of these for a long time."

"Oooh," everyone said. Well, everyone but Yomi.

The bespectacled girl muttered, "Ugh, I hope those things aren't making a comeback."

Stacked along the shelves, taking up almost an entire aisle, were Furbies. The one Osaka had stopped by was apparently a "Try Me!" toy, as it was out of its packaging.

"I used to have one of those!" Chiyo said.

"Me too," chimed in Osaka.

"And me!" said Tomo. Then she glanced at Yomi, who had a very impatient look on her face. "What's wrong, Miss Diet?" Tomo prodded. "Don't want to admit that the great Yomi once had a lowly Furby as a best friend?"

"Shut up!"

"What do they do?" asked Sakaki quietly. "I never had one, so…"

"Oh!" Chiyo rose to the occasion and explained, "They're just little artificial-intelligence toys. They respond to noise, light, and touch."

"Me hungry!" said the toy on the shelf suddenly.

"And they get hungry," Chiyo added. "If you don't feed them when they're hungry, they get sick, too."

Sakaki gasped. "We can't let it get sick," she said firmly.

"Ahh, do you like it, Sakaki?" Tomo asked slyly.

But Sakaki wasn't paying attention. "How do you feed it?"

"Just push its tongue down," Chiyo said.

"Ooh, let me try!" Osaka begged.

She pushed down the Furby's tongue. Its mouth closed momentarily, and then it said, "Yum! …Me hungry!"

"Your turn, Sakaki-san," Chiyo instructed.

Obligingly, Sakaki reached out a finger and pressed down on the Furby's tongue. Its mouth closed, but for some reason, it didn't open again.

"Yummmmmmmmmmmmm…."

Sakaki's eyes widened in alarm.

"…mmmmmmmmmmmmm…"

"What should I do?"

"…mmmmmmmmmmmmm…"

"Uh, run!" Tomo advised.

Sakaki freed her finger from the Furby's mouth and ran. Laughing, everyone followed.

_Puppies and Rabbits and Sea Slugs—Oh, My…_

Once everyone had reached the stuffed animal aisle, Tomo commented, "Man, even the Furbies like to bite you, Sakaki!"

Sakaki looked down at her feet sadly and didn't answer.

"Eh?" Tomo looked at her nervously. "Don't worry. We'll find something cute for you for sure! After all, we're surrounded by plushies right now!"

"Y-yeah…" Sakaki still looked discouraged by the Furby.

"All right, everyone!" Tomo said determinedly. "Start looking for a cute plushie. When you find one, bring it to Sakaki and me to judge. Ready… go!"

Everyone started looking through the shelves. It didn't take them long before they started finding good candidates.

First, Chiyo brought over a tiny puppy plushie. Sakaki blushed and held in a squeal.

"Too small!" Tomo exclaimed, to Sakaki's dismay. "Next!"

Yomi brought a over rabbit plushie that strongly resembled Shiro-chan, and Sakaki turned even brighter red.

"Gee, I wonder how that would look with orange stripes…" Tomo said thoughtfully. Yomi, looking alarmed, quickly whisked the stuffed animal away.

Osaka brought over what appeared to be a stuffed sea slug. Tomo turned her away as she approached.

Suddenly, Yomi let out a shriek.

"Yaa," said a disturbingly familiar voice from the other side of the aisle.

A few seconds passed, and then Kimura-sensei came around the aisle. Everyone's face fell.

Kimura-sensei was wearing the most obvious wig they had ever seen. It was bright yellow—not even blonde—and to make it even more obvious, the unconventional teacher sported a black, walrus-y mustache.

"How nice to see young female high-school students out and about town," Kimura said. "Are you looking for a nice cuddly plushie?"

Their faces fell farther. No one answered.

"Then I am a plushie!" the bewigged sensei shouted. "Everyone buy your special edition beach-blonde Kimura-chan plushie today! Buy it! Love it! Hug it all night long!" He threw his hands up in the air.

Everyone blushed bright red.

"Buy it!" Kimura shouted once more.

They ran.

_Very Fancy…_

Deciding that the toy store was a bad idea now, Tomo announced that they would head for the pet store.

"But my parents' allergies…" Sakaki protested.

"It doesn't have to have fur to be cute, right?" Tomo pointed out. "Hermit crabs are cute, right?"

"Well…" Sakaki said hesitantly. In her opinion, hermit crabs were far from cute, but turtles were nice…

"Then it's decided! To the pet shop!" Tomo exclaimed.

Yomi spoke up, annoyed. "Decided by whom?" she asked. "Why do you get to decide everything?"

Tomo glanced at her. "I called this mission, didn't I? That makes me chief decider."

"Baka."

Chiyo piped up, "I think the pet shop would be a nice idea to visit, but…"

"But what if one of the animals goes crazy and starts attacking us?" Osaka added in distress.

"That won't happen," Yomi said.

Unperturbed, Osaka continued, "Or what if all the cats decide to bite Sakaki at once!"

Yomi was about to protest, but then she closed her mouth. She had seen that happen too many times to object.

"But!" cried Chiyo, who had never finished her sentence. "But I don't think I'll have enough money to buy anything in there…"

"The cost's not important! We must help our friend!" Tomo exclaimed. "Let's go!"

Five girls had left the toy shop; four entered the pet store. Osaka had gotten distracted by another store.

When they got in, Sakaki began to shake as she looked around. So many… so many cute animals…!

"Daijoubu desu ka, Sakaki-san?" Chiyo asked in concern.

"Y-yeah," Sakaki said with a slight nod.

She walked towards the cat section. Everyone stopped her at once.

"We're not here to buy those!" Tomo exclaimed.

"Don't tempt fate, Sakaki," Yomi advised.

Chiyo said nothing, but looked grim. Cats were expensive.

There was silence for a moment, and then everyone realized that nothing ditzy and odd had been said. "Where's Osaka-san?" wondered Chiyo out loud.

"SURPRISE!" cried Osaka's voice from behind them.

Suddenly there were very fancy white paper napkins flying through the air.

"Doilies!" Osaka said. "It's my surprise!"

The four girls turned and stared at her. "What?" Yomi asked.

"It's my surprise, just like Tomo-chan!" Osaka explained. "I saw a stationery store and decided to get go some."

"Mine's better!" Tomo declared. "I win!"

"It's not a contest!" Yomi insisted.

"Ano, ano…" Chiyo said suddenly. "Shouldn't we clean the doilies up? They're getting all over the pets, and the store owner looks annoyed…"

The store owner was indeed annoyed. "Clean those up, and get out!"

_Futility_

They picked up all the doilies, except for the ones that had fallen in a sea monkey tank. (Apparently, the small aquatic creatures were amazed at the formation of huge white islands.) Then the girls slunk out of the pet shop and into the street.

The sun was starting to set. Everyone seemed to sense that the mission was over. Sakaki looked down sadly.

Tomo glanced at her. "I'm sorry, Sakaki," she said genuinely. "We couldn't find you anything. It's hopeless. Mission: 'A Shiro-chan for Sakaki' is a failure."

Sakaki nodded, discouraged.

"It's not over yet!" Chiyo pointed out. "Maybe we can find something for Sakaki-san some other time."

"Yeah," agreed Osaka.

"It's not hopeless!" Yomi insisted.

Finally, Sakaki smiled. "Thank you, everyone," she said softly.

They walked towards home. Tomo was the first to separate from the group. "Bai-bai!" she said to everyone with a wave.

Osaka left next, and only Yomi, Chiyo, and Sakaki remained. Then a familiar gray cat caught Sakaki's eye. As if drawn by a magnet, she moved towards the cat.

Yomi and Chiyo, noticing that Sakaki had disappeared, looked back. They were just in time to see the cat clamp its mouth down on Sakaki's hand.

"Maybe it _is_ hopeless, after all," Yomi sighed.

AUTHOR NOTES

Two kinds of reader contests:

A cookie for those who can tell me what the line "The best kind of ending! Everyone gets eaten!" is based on.

AND Anyone who can tell me why I chose to include doilies gets a cookie too. But you don't count, Snuffles, because I told you already.

Thank you to hanyou-lionheart for the idea of the Furby biting Sakaki. Speaking of which, my sister tells me that they are indeed coming back. That's horrible. Everyone take shelter.

Kimura-sensei's odd comment actually came from something I almost said. Almost. I almost said, "I'd buy a Malik plushie and I'd sleep with it every night," but then I realized that sounded really perverted, so I stopped right after the second "I'd". Then I told with Hanyou later and we tried to figure out a non-perverted way to say it. We couldn't think of anything, but "hug it all night long" was something we tried.


End file.
